Confessions
by shakespeare's sister
Summary: Remus has a secret, and one night Sirius collars him to find out what it is. From then on in, the indomitable Black is on a mission to help his friend, no matter what his own feelings might be... RLSB of course!
1. Remus's Secret

Remus opened the window wide so the night air invaded the room, and sat up on the windowsill, legs bunched up underneath him, facing out into the darkness. From behind his ear he withdrew the cigarette he had just rolled, and lit it with purple flame from his wand. He inhaled deeply, his eyes closed, and then as he exhaled they flickered tiredly open. With his empty hand he tucked his unruly hair behind his ears, out of the way so it wouldn't smell of smoke, and then inhaled again. The nicotine rushed through his bloodstream, soothing and pacifying him, making him even more tired. He leaned his head heavily against the windowframe and carried on smoking, his left hand moving up towards his mouth and then down again his only movement.

Suddenly there was a sound, not the usual sleeping creaks of an old building, nor the huffs and tiny snores of the other people in the dormitory. Remus sat, alert, not daring to turn his head round to confirm what his ears had already warned him of.

'Moony?' a voice asked. 'What're you doing up at this time?'

'Go back to bed, Sirius,' Remus said wearily.

'Not til you do... what's that smell?'

At last, Remus turned round. Sirius's eyes flicked to the cigarette held loosely in his left hand, its glowing red end the only light apart from that of the moon and stars.

'It's a Muggle cigarette – desperately bad for you but somehow still very alluring.'

'Can I try it?' And Sirius advanced towards the window, hand outstretched.

Remus propped the cigarette between his first two fingers.

'What do I do?'

'Inhale. Just inhale it.'

Sirius breathed out and brought the cigarette to his lips. He breathed in and coughed as it burned his throat, feeling slightly giddy.

'Eurgh, horrible. Bloody Muggles don't know what they're doing,' he said disgustedly.

'After a while, it feels – nice. But never have enough to get you to that stage, Paddy.'

'Then, if it's so bad, why do _you_ do it?'

'It's stupid, I know, but I feel like I should do something bad, something my parents would kill me for if they found out. And I suppose I've seen too many old Muggle films. Ever seen 'Breakfast at Tiffany's'? 'Rebel without a Cause'? 'Casablanca'?'

'Nope. And what's a film?'

Remus laughed quietly.

'You're missing out, Sirius. A film is like a visual story on a screen, real people playing out a story, speaking the words and doing the actions that make that story.'

'Riiight,' Sirius said, looking unconvinced.

'Honestly, pure-bloods,' Remus teased gently.

'So anyway, Moony oh Muggle know-it-all, what are you doing up at this hour?'

'Couldn't sleep,' Remus replied tersely. Then he looked at his watch. 'Gosh, it's quarter past four. How on earth did you wake up?'

Sirius laughed. He was renowned for his ability to sleep through anything, be it thunderstorms, James yelling, or his extra-loud alarm clock which could be heard down in the common room.

'Change the subject, would you?' he said suddenly, and Remus smiled.

'If you think the subject isn't finished, you're welcome to continue it,' he said lightly.

'Oh – you're just being your usual elusive self,' Sirius said, frowning. 'I just get the feeling you're hiding something. I mean, you look all in. _Something_ must be bothering you to keep you up this late – 4.15 did you say? Yes, Moony Lupin, I think you've got something on your mind that you're not willing to share with your esteemed friend. But don't worry, I'm not pushing – although maybe it seems like I am. But I don't mean it to.'

He stopped. Remus had turned back and was staring out the window again. He inhaled one last time, put the cigarette out on the wall under the window, and let it fall from his bony fingers. Then he turned back to Sirius.

'You know me too well,' he said in a low voice.

'Hey, Remus, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, you know I didn't,' Sirius blurted, galvanised by the look of unhappiness on his friend's face.

'I know you didn't, but you did anyway. I don't blame you – it was a perfectly reasonable comment – but even perfectly reasonable comments seem to bother me at the moment.'

'But – why? For the same reason that you're sitting up tonight all alone, doing this bad Muggle thing and looking as though someone had died?' Sirius looked so concerned that Remus couldn't help his voice trembling as he replied.

'You definitely do know me too well,' he said, attempting to sound carefree and failing utterly.

'Moony, you got your nickname, not because you're a werewolf but because you're always thoughtful and quiet. But recently, I've been almost forgetting what your voice sounds like. Jamie's noticed it too... we're both a bit worried, to be honest.'

'Worried? About me? Oh Padfoot, there's no need...'

'Well, there's blatantly something wrong, and Re, you know we _are_ your friends. We're _supposed_ to worry.'

'Why didn't you say anything before?'

'What, confront you in the common room?! I don't know... the time hasn't seemed right.'

'And now it is?'

'Well – yeah!'

'Even though James isn't here to back you up?'

'Moony, no one could love James more than me, but you know as well as I do that he's not – tactful.'

'Meaning he has an alarming propensity for blurting out what people least want to hear.'

'Mmm.'

'And you don't?'

'Hey now Remus! I'm trying to help!'

'I'm sorry. Just – the idea of you being thoughtful and considerate...'

'Why is that funny?' Sirius demanded, suddenly quite annoyed. Remus looked distraught at this sudden change.

'I didn't mean anything Padfoot, you know I didn't.'

'I know,' Sirius said, his irritation vanishing as quickly as it had come. 'I suppose you have a point. It's just – _you're_ the quiet careful one Re, and I'm the clown I suppose. But that isn't the only thing I can be. And there _are_ some things I care about. You being one.'

Remus looked down to conceal the incongruous hurt and confusion in the eyes he knew his friends could so easily read. He _shouldn't_ feel like that, not when Sirius had told him he cared for him.

'Thank you,' he muttered.

'Thank you nothing Re. You should _know_ that.'

'I do – I do.'

'So why aren't you looking at me?'

'Don't know,' Remus said softly, even though he knew all too well.

'Re, please. What's up? I promise if you don't want me to tell the others I won't...'

Remus looked up, fixed Sirius's eyes with his remarkable amber ones. 'I'm gay,' he said.

Whatever reaction he was nervously anticipating, it certainly wasn't the baffled incomprehension he got.

'Gay... happy? But you're _not_ happy!'

'No, Sirius!' Remus said frustratedly. 'Homosexual.'

This still didn't shed any light on his confused friend.

'Homowhat?'

'Gods Sir! I – oh, you know the way you and every boy in this whole bloody school feel about girls – you fancy them, you want to kiss them... well, I feel like that – about boys.'

'WHAT!?'

'Oh, I knew you wouldn't understand, I should never have said anything, I don't -'

'No, no, I'm really glad you did. So this is what's been bothering you all along?'

'Yeah – yeah.'

Remus's first 'yeah' was slightly hesitant, but Sirius didn't seem to notice this, his mind being otherwise occupied.

'_Blimey_,' he said. 'Blimey blimey blimey. But – I suppose this explains a lot! Why you wouldn't go out with Elizabeth Jones, even though she's a Gryffindor and she's gorgeous,' Remus flinched slightly, 'or Sophie Hamel, or Jenny Scott.'

'But – you're not – bothered? Or horrified or anything?'

'Nope. Why should I be? This doesn't change anything Remy. This isn't so bad – and it's kind of cool... different...'

'Only _you_ could describe your friend coming out to them as "kind of cool"!'

'Well, I reckon that's how James would feel... and Peter too! Re, you silly git, you've been worrying about absolutely nothing!'

Remus smiled, relieved.

'Thanks Sirius. This means an awful lot...'

'Ah, it means _nothing_! But the next step is to find you someone else who's fay – sorry, gay, whatever. You need a boyfriend!' Sirius announced heartily.

Remus's eyes opened wide with terror.

'Well, maybe it can wait a bit,' Sirius said, eyeing him doubtfully. 'But surely you _want_ a boyfriend?'

'I suppose,' Remus said.

'Course you do... I don't know anyone else gay in school... maybe this will have to wait til the holidays when we can meet some Muggles – I'm sure there are clubs and things you can go to...'

He looked hopefully at Remus. Remus contorted his face into an optimistic grin.

'What's up?' demanded Sirius. 'You should look a bit more up for it than that!'

'I'm just a bit... nervous...'

'REMUS LUPIN! You fancy someone, don't you?!'

'No!' Remus said unconvincingly.

'Who?'

'Nobody!'

'Well, trust me, I'm going to find out. I'll worm it out of you somehow, and then we can figure out how you can seduce him...'

Remus blushed. 'Sounds great, Sirius,' he said with gentle irony, and Sirius laughed.

'Chin up,' he said. 'We'll get you a sexy man somehow, if we have to kidnap him and keep him prisoner! Which of course we won't,' he added hurriedly, 'because you're quite a catch.' He winked. 'Well, now we've got that sorted, how about a bit of sleep before double Potions first thing? We can discuss this later! And you can tell Prongs and Wormtail!'

'Can't wait,' Remus muttered and Sirius laughed at him before they went to their own beds and drew the hangings round them.

'Night Re!' Sirius called out sleepily.

'Night,' Remus replied.

And both boys lay on their backs, staring at the ceiling.

"You coward!" Remus lectured himself furiously inside his head. "You did the hard part – why didn't you just tell him how you feel? He even knows you like _someone_! That was the perfect opportunity – late at night, alone – and you wasted it! But then... surely he wouldn't have been so eager to get me a boyfriend... if he felt anything like the same..." He carried on miserably like this for some minutes before his weary body rebelled and he drifted off to sleep, at least a little bit happier than he had been for the past few months as he thought of Sirius's positive (although not ideal) reaction to his secret.

And in the other bed, Sirius cried silently at the thought of Remus, his Remus, having fallen for someone and not told him who it was. "So it's not you," he thought disconsolately. "You have to find out who... get them together... you have to at least make sure he's happy."


	2. On The Train

Firstly, cheers to my reviewers! You know who you are! And you'll get your reward, er, someday. Just so you know, this chapter is proof of peer pressure – chapter one was originally meant to be a one-off but after all your lovely comments I thought I'd carry on a bit! So let me know what you reckon...

* * *

Time had raced on the way it always did in summer, and the school was plunged into the exam frenzy of June. Just as soon as they had arrived they were all over; results given out, trunks packed and students piled back onto the Hogwarts Express that would take them back to Kings Cross.

Remus had taken Sirius's advice about confessing his secret to James and Peter, and as predicted they had responded kindly, fairly uncomprehending but still completely accepting of their friend's quirks. The subject had been (to Remus's gratitude) almost forgotten during exams but as the four settled themselves into an empty compartment on the train, Sirius brought it up once more.

'So, Remy, any plans for the summer?' he asked with heavy emphasis on 'plans'. The wink he followed his sentence with dispelled any hopeful doubts in Remus's mind as to what he was alluding. However he decided to pretend ignorance.

'I suppose I'll just be mostly at Mam and Dad's... apart from full moons,' he said. 'Nothing very exciting in the Welsh countryside, I'm afraid.'

'Nothing very homosexual there either, I should imagine,' Sirius said, and Remus blushed and frowned at his feet.

'I prefer 'gay',' he said finally.

'Fine. Nothing very _gay_ in the picturesque south Wales countryside, is there Re?'

'Not really, no.'

'Well, Jamie and I have been discussing things, and we reckon we all need to spend some time in London on a fact-finding mission.'

'_Fact-finding mission_?' Remus exploded. 'And what will that involve?'

'Discovering how widespread this 'gay' thing is, finding out where to meet other gay people, getting you to meet them, finding the sexiest, nicest one to be your boyfriend!' Sirius announced calmly.

'Sirius, I don't want a boyfriend! And if I did, I wouldn't want you to go and get me one!'

The thought recurred to Sirius that Remus secretly had already found someone, but that he didn't think that someone would return his feelings. His heart ached, both for Remus's lonely frustration and his own desire for someone he was sure didn't feel the same way. But, as he had already decided, Remus had to find someone who would jolt him out of his single state, even if that someone couldn't be Sirius himself.

'Re. You're single. Right?'

'Of course.' Bitterly.

'Everyone on this fucking planet, 'scuse my French, wants someone to love. Everyone wants to fall asleep in someone's arms, and all that romantic crap. Everyone wants to _feel_ loved. I don't believe you're the exception.'

'Sirius, even if that was true, who'd want to spend their life with a werewolf? A gay wizard werewolf. Those things sound somewhat incompatible, don't you agree? I refuse to be a part of this 'mission', which to me seems like just a plan to get me a quick fuck, the thought of which revolts and horrifies me more than I can say. I don't need interference in my life.' Remus stood up quickly and barrelled out of the compartment before locking himself into the nearest toilet and staring at his pale face in the mirror.

'Pull yourself together Lupin. He's trying to _help_ you. Have you forgotten how rare that is?'

He swallowed a couple of times, splashed icy water on his face and blinked. Then he unlocked the door.

Sirius was standing outside, looking disconsolate. His grey eyes were troubled and his lower lip was visibly trembling. He ran a distracted hand through his unruly hair before starting to speak.

'Remus, I'm so so sorry I upset you, I really didn't mean to, I just want to help you and as well to let you know I support you, and that this gay thing doesn't matter at all, and I want to see you happy and I s'pose this is the only way I could think of for making you happy, but it hasn't worked -'

Remus threw himself at his friend and hugged him tightly. Sirius upset was more than he could deal with. His face buried in his friend's shoulder, he inhaled deeply the smell of Sirius – clean soapy well-washed smell – and allowed just a couple of tears to fall before he fiercely bit the inside of his cheeks and withdrew.

'Sirius, I'm sorry, I know you were trying to help. It's just, well, this is all very new for me, and I'm scared...'

Remus, admitting to fear?

'...and you're definitely right about the wanting to be loved thing and all that -'

Sirius could take no more. He interrupted.

'You don't want to go out because there's already someone you like, isn't there? Am I right?'

Remus stared at him.

'You're right,' he said frankly.

'And you don't think he loves you back?'

'I know he never will. I know he's _normal_.'

Sirius grabbed Remus's shoulder with one brown hand. 'Then why not go out, at least give it a go?' he asked persuasively, ignoring the sick feeling in his gut that Remus's acknowledgment of his suspicion had given him. 'We'll all be there, you never know, it could be a laugh. And you could meet... someone else...'

Hesitantly, Remus acquiesced.

'You're right, as usual. But it's only fair to say that this – person – that - you know – I don't think I could possibly meet anyone to replace him.'

'Fair enough,' Sirius said, his other hand clenched tightly so that his nails dug cruelly into the flesh, but his tone casual and light-hearted. 'Well, Jamie says we can stay with him, in Tooting, you know, and we can catch the Muggle underground train all over London. It will be an adventure! The four Marauders marauding around Muggle London!'

Remus managed a little smile.

'So, owl your parents and tell them you'll be home a fortnight late,' Sirius said. 'They won't mind... we're all 17 apart from you and you're practically there, and besides, Ath and Inigo will look after us properly! Full moon was only 3 days ago, so you have absolutely no excuse not to stay at least two weeks!'

'Okay, okay,' Remus grinned. Sirius was so persuasive; it was one of the many things that he loved about – no, he wouldn't let himself think of that. This fortnight would definitely be more fun than being buried in rural Wales, and just maybe he'd discover that he wasn't so out of the ordinary as he thought.

He followed Sirius back to the compartment where he dashed off a quick letter to his parents explaining he'd be later home, and then sat quietly in the corner of the compartment as Sirius and James hatched and then implemented a devious plot to turn their least favourite Slytherins' hats into giant spiders.

When at last the train had stopped and the yells and screeches had died away, the Marauders stopped contentedly regarding the mayhem they had caused and started lugging their trunks out onto the platform. James saw his parents first and, dropping his trunk, raced up to them and gave them a mammoth hug before explaining quickly that his three best friends would be spending the next two weeks in their three bedroomed house in Tooting. Ath and Inigo accepted it without blinking an eyelid, happily greeting the three boys before leading them all off to the Muggle tube station and away to South London.


	3. Shopping and Drinking

Behind a makeshift curtain in a ramshackle market stall, Remus wriggled into a pair of trousers. They were black; inoffensive he had thought hopefully, but ludicrously tight from the precariously low-slung waist to the knees, before they ballooned out into vast flares around his bare feet. Unsurprisingly, they had been selected by Sirius.

"Gods," he thought, "I can't go out like this!"

'Re! Come out! Give us a twirl!' came his tormentor's voice.

'I can't come out like this,' Remus repeated, aloud this time.

Instantly the curtain was whipped back to reveal Sirius's grinning face.

'Wow!' he said admiringly.

'Sirius, don't,' Remus protested, although secretly he was rather pleased.

'Re, you look fantastic! Doesn't he look fantastic?' Sirius appealed to the stall owner, a twentysomething man with a shaven head and skintight jeans.

'You look fantastic,' echoed the man in a surprisingly effeminate voice. "Nice looking pair, and I'm getting an awful lot of vibes!" he thought.

'You guys a couple?' he asked.

'What?! Oh, no no no,' the dark-haired one – Sirius, was it? Strange name – said, a little overemphatically. The bald man noted this, as well as the slightly forlorn expression on the brown-haired one's face. "_Someone_ wishes they were," he thought, and then looked back at Sirius. "_Two_ someones," he realised. "Maybe I should – no, better not interfere."

'They suit you,' he said instead. 'I'll give you them for two pounds – with this t-shirt – if you promise to wear it!' He held out a black shirt that Remus could tell would be just as tight as his trousers. He started to stammer non-committal niceties but then Sirius stepped in.

'He'll take them,' he said firmly. 'And I'm paying. No arguments. If there's one thing my dreadful family's good for, it's money.' He laughed and handed over two notes. 'Well Re, you'll be beating them off with your wand – stick,' he amended hastily, but the man just laughed at what he thought was a slightly vulgar joke.

Remus's pale cheeks were flaming red.

'Sirius -' he began helplessly, but Sirius held up a hand.

'Nope. Don't say it,' he grinned. 'I'm paying and you're wearing and that's all there is to it.'

They walked away, Remus clutching a bag uncomfortably.

'I want to pay you back,' he said abruptly.

'Please, don't,' Sirius said seriously. 'I tell you; I have more money than I know what to do with. And buying things for people makes me happy. So please – no more.'

'Well then - thank you.'

'Don't mention it! And now I suppose we'd better find Prongs and Wormtail...'

They finally discovered James and Peter gawking at passers-by as they sat on a bench drinking beer.

'Did you see that girl?' demanded Peter as they approached. 'She must have had twenty metal rings in her face! And the weirdest black face-paint – and all rips and writing and stuff on her clothes!'

'And that bloke with the spiky green hair and shoes with soles _that_ thick,' James added, gesticulating. 'Crazy!'

'Makes you think Hogwarts really is quite sheltered – and boring, don't you think?' Sirius said. 'This man we just bought stuff off – he was so definitely gay! I can't believe there's all these people, all these ways to be that we've been missing out on! Actually... hang on...'

He dashed off in the direction they had just come from before returning a few minutes later with an excited gleam in his eye.

'Well, I know now where we're going out! Soho!'

'And where is that?' James demanded.

'Near Piccadilly Circus, you know, with that statue of Eros... apparently there's gay clubs and strippers and prostitutes -'

'How do you know? Who did you ask?' Remus asked him.

'Bill – the bloke whose stall we were just at. That's where he and his mates go!'

James and Peter both looked excited but Remus was growing more apprehensive by the second.

'Sir – remember what I said on the train?'

'Yeah,' replied Sirius, his face falling momentarily as he recalled their conversation. But then it brightened again. 'We're not just going there to matchmake you Re! We want to have fun! And from what Bill said that's definitely the place to do it!'

Remus didn't look convinced, but he gave Sirius a grateful smile which didn't escape his attention.

'Well lads, where to now?' James asked.

'I want to see Westminster and the Houses of Parliament,' Remus said earnestly.

No one else had any better suggestions, so they agreed with varying shades of enthusiasm. With a few difficulties they caught the tube there, and all piled out in time to hear Big Ben striking the hour. They stared at the protesters on the green outside Parliament house and laughed at the multitudes of tours being conducted by harassed looking guides. From there, they wandered down the Thames towpath to Tower Bridge before losing their momentum somewhat and spending a good few hours in a nearby pub.

They had no trouble getting served, but when it came to deciding on their drinks it was a lot more complicated than it seemed for four wizards who had never been in a Muggle bar in their lives before.

'You lads foreigners?' the man behind the bar asked in a condescending but friendly manner as they dithered over the huge selection.

Instantly, Sirius seized on this.

'Ja, ve are not from zis fine country of yours,' he said in a bizarre and geographically improbable accent. 'Vot vud you recomment for four sirsty boys?'

The man, incredibly, taken in by this, launched into a convoluted and extremely detailed discussion of the beverages on offer. James and Sirius pretended to listen closely and interjected ridiculous questions at every possible point, egging each other on so both their comments and their accents became every more unbelievable. At last, the man finished explaining, and waited expectantly.

'I sink,' Sirius said, 've vill haf a double of everysink in vun of zose upside-down bottles.'

The man laughed, told him he was 'completely fuckin' mental', and poured their drinks.

After half an hour of gagging, coughing and spluttering, he reappeared at the bar for 'ze same as last,' and walked back to the table carrying another tray laden with little glasses.

When they left, at about 6, everyone was completely legless.

They caught a tube home, giggling madly. James's parents smiled indulgently at them. They remembered doing much the same in their summer holidays.

After a fairly amusing dinner, they decided they could all do with a bit of a rest if they were going to hit the town that night. James and Peter disappeared off into James's quiddich poster-plastered bedroom whilst Sirius and Remus headed into the bare white spare room across the landing.

Sirius had already insisted that Remus take the bed, but when he walked into the room to see how very far down the ground was and how unsteady it was being, he collapsed on the bed next to Remus who was already lying prone, eyes shut, groaning.

'Whyzit spinnin'?' he said indistinctly through one arm which he had flung over his face.

'Dunno,' Sirius replied. 'P'r'aps it's not spinnin'. P'r'aps it's just you thinkin' it's spinnin'.' Then he squinted up at the ceiling. 'Nope, you're right, it's spinnin'.'

But Remus didn't reply. Sirius looked over at him and saw his chest rising and falling slowly and rhythmically. The arm over his face fell down to his side, and Sirius saw the thin face that meant so much to him, eyes closed, black eyelashes on the alcohol-flushed cheeks, longish tawny hair tangled wildly around his face.

'Love you Re,' he whispered drunkenly.

And he wriggled clumsily closer and fell asleep curled up next to his friend.


	4. Hangover

9am the next morning, sunlight came pouring in through the spare bedroom window and hit Remus directly in the eye. He gradually woke up a little, and cursed as the brilliant sun exacerbated a certain photosensitivity he seemed to have developed. As he moved his head to escape the blinding glare, he discovered two things.

One – he was hot and sweaty, his head ached and his tongue tasted worse than it did after his transformations. His mouth was dry and clacky and his stomach was churning uncomfortably.

Two – he was lying on the Potters' spare bed with Sirius Black.

The discovery of the second fact drove his fragile physical state from his mind. He was lying flat on his back and Sirius – Sirius had his head on Remus's shoulder and his arm lay heavily across Remus's stomach. With a further jolt of surprise Remus realised his own arm was protectively encircling Sirius's shoulders.

Confronted with this unexpectedly, he panicked. He wrenched his arm out from under Sirius and leaped to his feet. Instantly, he regretted doing it, as not only did he feel denuded of something he had long desired, but his physical maladies came rushing back to him in an uncontrollable wave of nausea.

Sirius woke up just enough to see Remus disappearing quickly from the room.

'Re -' he yelled, sitting up suddenly.

He couldn't continue. His head spun and he flopped back down on the pillow, closed his eyes and pressed the heels of his palms into his forehead. Stupid, stupid. Not only had he now got the hangover to end all hangovers, but he'd frightened off the one person in the world he really didn't want to frighten.

As he lay there, Remus stood shivering under a freezing cold shower in the bathroom. He hadn't been sick but he was feeling truly appalling, and all he wanted to do was go back to bed. But he couldn't. Sirius was there.

'Dammit!' he said out loud.

It was unfair to blame Sirius, he realised. If he was a _proper_ boy, a _proper_ friend, then he wouldn't be feeling anything like this way, and he could just go and stagger back to bed next to Sirius. But he couldn't, not feeling how he felt. It would be taking advantage of Sirius's ignorance, he decided.

Time went on. Eventually he realised he was going to have to get out of the shower. His fingers and toes were turning blue and he was so cold he couldn't stop his teeth chattering violently. He turned off the water and quickly towelled himself dry before wrapping the towel round his waist and tiptoeing back into the bedroom.

Sirius was still lying there, his eyes closed, though they flickered open when he heard Remus's footsteps.

'Ahhh,' he said.

Remus laughed, almost against his will. However upset or angry or frustrated Sirius might make him in private, when he was with him he could forget everything that plagued him. "That's how I knew I loved him," he thought swiftly, before padding over to the curtains and yanking them shut.

'Better?' he asked.

No matter how shite he felt, Sirius was definitely suffering more. He had drunk vast quantities the night before.

'Nerrr,' Sirius moaned.

'Do you want anything? Water?' Remus asked with a hint of a grin on his face. It was surprising how rapidly he was recovering when faced with Sirius in a much worse state. 'Painkilling potion?'

Sirius definitely showed a spark of interest there. Remus bent down and withdrew a green bottle from his trunk. He took a few sips quickly, amazed at how he'd forgotten he had brought Healing Elixir. For after his transformations, Master Talis had told him, but it definitely helped with hangovers too.

'Open up,' he said to the prone Sirius, and obediently Sirius opened his mouth. Remus carefully poured a few drops in, before laughing at the almost instantaneous effect on his friend.

'You're a treasure Re! Gods, that's brilliant!' he exclaimed. 'Wow! Think I'd better go and wake James and Pete up!'

He jumped to his feet, before both boys suddenly realised Remus was clad only in a towel. He blushed hotly.

'Bugger off Sir,' he said to cover his embarrassment. 'Don't torment them too much – and save enough Elixir for me for two full moons, okay?'

Sirius nodded, and left the room wordlessly whilst Remus dressed quickly, still pink with awkward discomfiture. About five minutes later, there was a soft knock on the door, and Sirius reappeared.

'I saved you loads,' he said, and handed over the bottle. Their hands brushed and their eyes met, as eyes will, and both boys pulled away as if stung. Remus packed the bottle away, his wet hair hanging in tousled curtains concealing his face, and Sirius quickly grabbed some clothes and went for a shower.

When he eventually turned up downstairs, he found Remus, Peter and James eating scrambled eggs on toast and talking about the events of the day before. Sirius joined in easily, and the little house rang with the boys' laughter.

Soon, however, the talk turned to the plans they had had for the previous night.

'Well, I think we should do it tonight,' James announced, and Peter nodded agreement with his idol.

'Good plan Jamie,' Sirius said. 'What do you think, Remus?'

All three stared at him, and he blushed and muttered assent. James and Peter immediately started discussing what they thought it would be like, whilst Sirius turned to Remus.

'You sure you're alright with all this?' he asked in a low voice.

'It's a bit, well, embarrassing really. The four of us in some gay club in Muggle London. And all because of me. And they'll all just fancy you anyway,' Remus said, trying to sound light hearted, but his worried eyes gave him away.

'Oh Re, they'll definitely fancy you. The question is, will you fancy them?' And Sirius laughed loudly to cover his own unhappiness. 'Seriously though, if you don't like it, we can always leave, and besides, we'll stick together. Marauders hunt in a pack, you know!'

Remus smiled, looking a little happier, and joined in the conversation with James and Peter, good-naturedly enduring a lot of jokes about how many men would be hassling him, and how they weren't sure they could trust him to keep his innocence.

The day passed quickly enough in happy indolence. They went to the cinema, at Remus's request, to watch a Muggle 'film'. Sirius was utterly entranced and babbled excitedly about it to Remus all the way home, who laughed and teased him. Sirius wouldn't be mocked out of his earnestness though, and as they walked through the streets he was planning excitedly for a film club at Hogwarts.

'But Muggle technology doesn't work inside the grounds,' Remus said for the hundredth time.

'Ah, Dumbledore'll know how to make it work. I'm sure he could sort something out,' Sirius said, waving a hand impatiently.

Remus just laughed and let him carry on, enjoying his friend's boundless enthusiasm.

When they got home, James's parents were back from work at the Ministry. They asked the four about their plans for that night, and were most amused to hear they were going to Soho, as James said, 'to get Remus a bloke!', although Remus heartily denied the necessity of this.

After dinner, they all headed upstairs to change. Remus wriggled into his trousers and t-shirt in the bathroom, and stared at himself in the mirror. He ran his fingers through his hair and squinted at his reflection.

'Alright, I suppose,' he said aloud. He had always thought he was too skinny and strange-looking to be attractive, but as he stared at his reflection, for once he thought he looked kind of striking. "Wonder what Sirius'll think," he thought, before attempting to banish such thoughts as he returned to their shared bedroom, feeling a little more confident than usual.

Sirius's reaction did nothing to dispel this.

'Re! You look sexy!' he yelled, and laughed at Remus's 'sexy' face.

'What's funny?' Remus demanded, emboldened by his friend's comment and amusement, and then pouting more and shaking his arse.

Sirius collapsed on to the bed, hysterical.

'Rrraow baby,' he managed before sinking back into giggles. 'Seriously, though,' he managed eventually, 'if you fancy it, you could have any guy you like!'

"I bloody wish!" Remus thought, before grabbing Sirius's hands and dragging him upright. 'Come on, let's look at you!' he said.

Sirius, it had to be said, looked hot. He was wearing tight hipster jeans with flares bigger than Remus's and a red t-shirt.

'Are you sure _you're_ not trying to pull tonight?' Remus asked, looking at him narrowly before giggling at Sirius's stunned face. 'You'll be luring all my men away from me!'

Sirius made _his_ 'sexy' face in turn. 'That's the plan, baby,' he purred, before racing out the room with Remus chasing him.

Finally they were all ready, and assembled downstairs in the lounge.

'You look lovely, boys,' James's mother Athanasia told them. 'Be careful, and look after Remus, won't you?' She smiled at Remus. He had always been her favourite of her son's friends, and this 'gay' thing hadn't surprised her half as much as anyone else who knew. 'And have fun!' she added.

'We will, Ma!' James said, giving her and his dad Inigo a quick hug before rushing out of the door with the others.

After a short tube ride and an even shorter walk, they were in Soho. It was getting dark now, and all along the streets were people in bizarre clothes (and often very few of them). Scantily clad young people of both sexes posed provocatively in doorways and shouted invitations.

Alone, Remus would have been very intimidated, but he reminded himself that he was with his friends and that whatever happened, whatever this place was like, they would enjoy themselves. Still, his courage failed him momentarily as Sirius pointed to a shabby sign over a dingy flight of stairs flanked by two massive blokes, and said 'that's it!' He jammed his hands into his pockets to disguise their shaking, and followed his friends up the stairs...


	5. The Stranger

Sorry it's been a while, but my boyfriend's been to stay so I've been busy... anyway, I don't especially love this chapter but I think it's fairly necessary for what's coming, plus I felt I had to post _something_ before I start uni (Monday!) because it might be a while before the next one. So, thanks for all your lovely reviews, and I hope you like this...

* * *

When Remus was 15, he had read a tatty translation of the Purgatorio and had been struck vividly by the descriptions of Hell. As the four Marauders entered the club, that image flashed into his mind, of souls in torment. But the moment passed, and he laughed inwardly and told himself off for being overly melodramatic. 

Still, he was a little overwhelmed for a few minutes. The music was eardrum-shatteringly loud, dry ice spurted from hidden vents and swirled round the heaving mass of sweating bodies dancing pressed against each other and lights flickered, illuminating people at random as they writhed and contorted.

'Drink?' bawled James, and the other three nodded eagerly, their recent hangovers distant memories. They fought their way to the bar where a bare-chested man wearing lipstick served them with mystery hot pink drinks in giant glasses.

The drinks slipped down easily and suddenly the place appeared far more inviting. The four moved onto the floor and started to dance, the beat of the music seeming to get under their skin and force them to move in its rhythm. They were surrounded by dancers jammed together but somehow Sirius managed to wriggle free, and the next they saw of him, he was gyrating on a podium with a massive grin on his face. Over the crowds he caught the eye of a certain brown-haired boy and winked mischievously, and the smile he received in return made his heart beat faster. But he carried on dancing up there, and was soon joined by James who couldn't bear being on the dance floor amongst the crowd when there was a highly visible platform to be danced on instead. Peter disappeared shortly after, and Remus was left alone amid a sea of hip-shaking strangers.

After he had had his bottom squeezed for the fifth time by the elaborately made-up bloke behind him, he decided it was time to move on. He escaped from the insanity of the main area before spotting a dark corner that looked completely uninhabited. He made his way over, sliding thankfully down the wall to sit on his haunches, leaning his elbows on his knees and then burying his flushed face in his hands and his fingers in his tousled hair. The music was far quieter there, and he promised himself 10 minutes rest before he went out again and tried to find the others.

'Are you okay?' asked a voice suddenly. Remus didn't recognise it, and assumed the man was talking to someone else, but when he repeated the question he lifted his head and gazed upwards at the person talking, to him as he realised.

'I'm fine,' Remus replied with a vague smile. He was nervous. He had no desire to be picked up by some stranger and he refused to give this man any encouragement.

'You didn't look it,' he said with a grin, 'but you do now. I'm Felix,' he added, sliding down so he was sitting near enough to Remus to talk to him, but not uncomfortably close. Remus relaxed a little.

'Remus,' he replied.

'I don't think I've seen you here before ever, have I?' Felix asked, and Remus shook his head. 'No, I'd remember you. You look – different.'

Remus tensed slightly at this, but he realised the man wasn't trying to be rude so he smiled non-committally.

'How old are you, if you don't mind me asking...? If you want to know, I'm 22,' he said suddenly.

'Se- eighteen,' Remus stammered. Felix laughed and he grinned too. 'I'm seventeen,' he admitted. 'Too young to be here.'

'Why are you here?' Felix asked him curiously. 'Seventeen is pretty young to be at a gay club by yourself...'

'Oh, I'm not by myself,' Remus laughed. 'Don't think I'd be brave enough. I'm here with some of my friends.'

'Where are they?'

'Dancing I think.'

'If you don't mind me asking... is it you that's gay... or one of your friends... or did you just come to gawp?'

Remus flushed pink at the slight bitterness in the last few words. He stared Felix angrily in the eye.

'_I'm_ gay,' he declared with spirit.

Felix laughed at him. 'No need to get shirty,' he said. 'I just wanted to know. There're quite a few spectators in here nowadays... I have to say though that I was getting the vibes from you; just wondered if you knew yourself yet!'

'The vibes?'

Felix giggled. 'Just a feeling, you know.'

'Can you usually tell?' Remus asked curiously, his eyes wide.

'Sometimes.

'Must be handy.'

'Not as much as you might think. The real important test is telling whether someone likes you or not.'

'I suppose...'

'For example, Mr Seventeen-year-old Remus, I know that you don't fancy me.'

Remus grinned ruefully. 'Er – sorry?' he said uncertainly.

'Don't worry about it! For the record – and this might just be my ego talking – but it's my guess that you've already fallen for someone. One of the friends here with you?'

Remus blinked. 'Yeah,' he said, his eyes fixed shyly on Felix's dark brown ones.

'Must be tough. It's bad enough liking the people you're _meant_ to like when you're seventeen, hard and scary enough when they like you _back_, let alone if you feel like you're weird and you can't even tell them. You haven't told him, have you?'

'No.'

'And yet he knows you're queer?'

'Yes – I told him first...'

'How did he take it?'

'He didn't even know what 'gay' _was_ before I explained. Then he thought it was really cool, and he decided he had to find me a boyfriend. And so we're here.'

'That's not a bad reaction, you know.'

'I know. But secretly – oh, you know, stupidly a little part of me thought when I told him he'd grab me and kiss me and tell me he loved me, he'd always loved me.'

'If – and it's quite a big 'if' – he _does_ feel like that then he's probably shy, insecure. He probably assumes that you'd have told him if you liked anyone.'

'He wormed it out of me that there was _someone_ – but not who it was.'

'God, Remus, if it was a woman you liked I'd tell you she definitely knows, but as it is, well, men are a bit slow on the uptake in things like that.'

'You're not wrong,' Remus whispered, although just _how_ right Felix was he had no idea.

'You should tell him. If he's as good a friend as he sounds, and his response to you coming out sounds like he's fantastic, then he won't react badly or anything.'

'I just don't want to ruin things. I'm sure he wouldn't be angry or disgusted or anything but things between us would change, they'd have to. He'd never touch me in case he thought I was leching after him.'

'Remus! I'm sure that's not the case!'

'Maybe not. But I don't want to take the chance.'

'Even if he might feel that way about you?'

'Oh he doesn't, how could he? He's normal, you wouldn't believe how normal. All the girls love him, he's funny and clever and fascinating and loyal and handsome... very handsome...'

'Tell him!'

'No!'

'You might regret it more than you know. And so might he, if he ever finds out. It's a great thing to be told by someone that they love you, even if you don't love them back.'

'I wish I could, Felix. But I can't. I'm too afraid... this is too much...' To his own embarrassment, tears sprang up in Remus's eyes. He bit his lip fiercely until blood ran down his chin but he couldn't hold them in.

'Hey, hey, it's alright, don't worry. I'm sorry I nagged you about it.'

'It's okay,' Remus said as he scrubbed at his face with his t-shirt hem. 'I'm so sorry about this. I just thought, though, we only have one more year of school and then what? Will we ever see each other? I need him -' as he thought of the full moons and how Padfoot had managed to subdue Moony since the first night they had met.

'I'm _sure_ you'll stay friends,' Felix said firmly. 'But until you both leave, try not to think about it. Things might be very different in a year. Things can change overnight – in a second...'

'You're right, but I don't think this will. I don't think my feelings will change and I don't think I'll be able to tell him either.'

'Maybe something else will change instead...'

'I hope so.' Remus said unconvinced, and smiled wanly, his eyes red. 'I'd better go and find them all though. Thanks for talking to me – you've really helped.'

'It's been a pleasure,' Felix smiled at him as Remus stood up and ran his fingers through his hair. 'Wait -' he scribbled something on a scrap of paper, 'this is my address. Write to me sometime, let me know how things are going.'

'Thank you,' Remus smiled genuinely this time and took the paper. 'I will. Good luck with everything – I don't know anything about you, I've been so busy blathering on about myself...'

'It doesn't matter,' Felix told him. 'Find your friends, and have a good night. And don't forget to write.'

'I won't,' Remus said. 'Have fun.' He smiled and then turned around and disappeared into the crowds. Felix pulled out a cigarette and smoked it, regretting the existence of the mysterious friend that this Remus was so smitten with.

* * *

Meanwhile, Remus was squirming his way through the packed club. Eventually he found Sirius and James still on their platform and Peter on the floor below. Sirius immediately jumped down and grabbed Remus's arm. He yelled something but Remus had no idea what, and he shook his head laughingly. Sirius leaned into him so that Remus could feel his breath tickling his ear before he asked, 'Where did you go?' 

'Oh, just to sit down, Remus replied in Sirius's ear.

'Have you had enough?' he asked. 'Hey – have you been crying?'

'No,' Remus lied feebly.

'What's wrong?'

'Nothing, I'm fine.'

'Bollocks,' Sirius replied, before tightening his grip on Remus's bare arm and proceeding to drag him away from James and Peter and out the way they had come in.

'So,' he demanded once he and Remus were sitting halfway down the concrete steps outside. 'Where have you been? What's going on?


	6. And Finally

I got my act together and _finished_! Kudos to me! Unfortunately it means I haven't done any uni preps this evening. Not to worry. So anyway, this is it. I feel i should quit while I'm ahead but I so love seventeen year old Sirius and Remus that I might not be able to. Let me know what you reckon.

* * *

'What do you mean, what's going on?'

'What do you think I mean, Re?' Sirius waved his hands impatiently and shook his head. 'You've been crying. It doesn't take a genius to see that. I want to know why. Please.'

'S'nothing.'

'Stop it! Stop your dissembling! I want to find out what the hell's going on and I will!'

Remus's tears, not far from the surface, pricked at his eyes again. He blinked a few times and then sniffed, and immediately Sirius turned towards him.

'Re, I'm sorry! Don't be upset with me!' he cried, and put an arm round Remus's trembling back. 'I'm just worried,' he said in a quieter voice. 'I just want to know why you were crying.'

Remus swallowed hard and looked down at his feet on the step below. 'I was talking to a man...'

'WHAT!? What did he do to you!?'

'Nothing, nothing, don't get angry Sirius! We just talked. He was – nice. He listened. And he was asking me questions, and then I just got upset.'

'Questions? What about?'

'...You remember what I told you on the train?'

Sirius's eyes were unreadable in the gloom. 'Yes,' he said softly.

'Well, then, about that.'

'Right.'

'Are you happy now?' Remus asked in a way that was meant to be playful but just came out bitter and sad.

'No, Remus, I'm not happy now. I'm not happy at all.' Sirius retorted angrily, and Remus felt afraid. He hated rows with anyone, but had never fought with Sirius and couldn't bear to think of it.

'Why not?' Remus asked him in a barely audible voice.

'I – oh, I, well – I just hate to think of you having to discuss this stuff with some stranger in a club instead of with one of your friends!' Sirius choked. "Maybe not entirely true, but it will do," he thought despairingly to himself. 'We care about you Re and any one of us would help you, but you don't tell anyone _any_thing, you just bottle all this stuff up. Why?' He sounded angry and looked angry, but he didn't feel it. He just felt dreadfully cold and alone inside, so unhappy that he couldn't just cry and let it out like that, and so worried about his friend, 'friend', that it had to force its way out in furious words.

But Remus didn't realise this. He was too wrapped up in his own misery and for once he just lost his temper. 'Does being your friend mean I have to tell you every little thing that happens, Sirius? Does it? Does it mean I have no privacy, that I'm not allowed to keep any of my thoughts or feelings to myself?'

'Don't – don't,' Sirius muttered frantically. Now he was scared. Remus was sitting next to him, still glaring down at his feet and shaking with emotion.

'Don't what, Sirius? Are you afraid? Don't you want to hear what I have to say now?' Remus snapped, finally looking round at Sirius. 'But didn't you know all along – isn't that why you've been trying so hard in this ridiculous project, 'get Remus a man', yes, offload poor lonely weird Remus onto someone else just so I don't feel guilty and he's not on his own even though _I_ don't want him. But then why would _I_ want to even be friends with a _queer werewolf_? It's -'

'Remus?' Sirius interrupted his furious flow timidly. 'What are you talking about?'

He had thought his friend was angry before, but now he found out how wrong he was.

'WHAT THE FUCK?' Remus yelled, absolutely livid, and jumped to his feet. 'Do you think I don't know you know?'

'Know what?' Sirius shouted, getting angry in turn and also standing up, the boys facing each other on the narrow stairs and the bouncers below gawking up at them, assuming it was a lovers' tiff and secretly quite enjoying the spectacle, but hoping there would be an equally blistering making-up scene at the end.

'Don't play games with me, Sirius,' Remus said, his voice quieter and sounding slightly unsure.

'I'm NOT playing games!' Sirius said, exasperated. 'I want to know what on earth you were talking about. What is it you think I know you know – or whatever it was?'

His wide grey eyes were completely honest and open – as always. Finally, Remus believed him.

'I'm sorry for shouting,' he said, his voice trembling as it hit him just how sorry he was. He had yelled at Sirius, _Sirius_! 'I didn't mean to get angry... and there was no reason to shout at you at all. I'm sorry. I'm just a bit – confused.'

'Join the club,' Sirius smiled wryly at him and held out a hand. 'Shake. Let's never ever do that again.'

Remus grasped his warm brown hand with his own cold white one. The pressure and contact made his tears start again, and Sirius grabbed him and gave him a hug. Then he let go and sat down again.

'Please, Re, sit down. Tell me what's going on, please,' he said persuasively, and Remus sat down next to him, wiping his eyes with the backs of his hands. Sirius put an arm round his shoulders again before consolingly wiping away a tear hanging on Remus's pointed chin with his other hand. Remus pulled away a little sharply and began to speak.

'I – I – you remember I told you... I was in love?' he asked abruptly. 'I told Felix, that man, about it. He told me I should tell the person, but I said that I'm too afraid. And then – I suddenly thought – what happens when we leave school? I might never see that person again... I think I'd be disgusted with myself if I let it slide, if I never ever let that person know – if I didn't take the chance that they _might_ feel something the same.'

'And you thought I knew who it was, and wasn't telling you that I knew?'

'Yes.'

'But why would I do that? Why would I pretend about something that important to you?' Sirius asked, bemused.

'I – I don't know,' Remus stammered. Then he appeared to pull himself together. 'No,' he said, 'I do. I thought it because I still don't like who I am, what I am, and I thought you would feel the same, you'd be sickened, you'd hate me...'

'Shit, Remus, why on earth would I _hate_ you?' Sirius asked frankly. A sudden flash of hope hit him but he suppressed it.

'Oh, gods, I always imagined this would be difficult but I never even dreamed _how_ difficult,' Remus said, trying to laugh lightly and failing.

The hope sparked in Sirius again, and this time it was impossible to ignore. He lifted his free hand and gently took hold of Remus's chin, turning his head to look him in the eye. He stared into his amber eyes for ages, neither of them speaking, both feeling their heartbeat thudding in their throat.

'Sirius,' Remus said softly. 'You know now... don't you?'

A few seconds passed. Then Sirius's mouth curved up irresistibly at the edges and in a second he was absolutely beaming.

'I love you Remus Lupin!' he yelled at the top of his voice.

'I love _you_ Sirius Black!' Remus yelled back before they collapsed into each other laughing.

The laughter went on for a few moments before they both pulled back slightly. They stared silently at each other before they finally succumbed and leaned in for the desperately long-awaited kiss.

Time flew by and neither boy noticed it at all; they were too wrapped up in each other, no talking, just kissing. People brushed past them going up and down the stairs but they just moved closer to the wall and each other and ignored them. Ignored them, that is, until a very familiar voice asked:

'Is that _Remus_? _And_ _Sirius_?!'

As they sprang apart, James and Peter bore down on them, absolutely buzzing with alcohol and adrenaline. They stood over them and stared down with their mouths open whilst Remus took Sirius's hand defensively.

'What is going on?' James demanded. Then he dissolved into giggles. 'Oh Merlin your faces! Took your time, didn't you? Come on, let's go and you can tell us all about how you _finally_ got together, okay?' And ignoring Peter's confused and slightly resentful look at James for obviously anticipating this but not telling him, he dragged them all off to the street to find a taxi, talking all the while in a maddeningly knowledgeable tone about how long it had taken them to get together and how he'd known all along. Peter hung breathless onto every word but Sirius and Remus ignored them both, entirely content in their own little world of two.


End file.
